Pearl
by GloriaRose
Summary: Pearl is self-harming, and she needs help about it. While she is struggling with her inner demons, Garnet tries to help, along with the help of Amythest.
1. Chapter 1

Pearl, summoned her swords from the tallest of her water towers. Her eyes fell upon a small curved dagger, it was one of her favourite ones, balanced well, strong, almost unbreakable, and unsheathed it. It was a rather plain steel blade, with a braided leather grip, it had lasted her for generations. Pearl smiled as she slowly brought it up to her pale, and slender wrists, making a quick slash down it. It left a well-sized mark, perfectly neat. Alas, she is a gem, and didn't have the satisfaction of seeing crimson blood drip down, and fall into the surface of the water tower. She imagined the tiny droplets, becoming diluted in the water. Pearl then made another precise and calculated, cut, as if a surgeon had made it, on her arm. It soon was accompanied by many others until she reached her elbow. Each was evenly passed from the other, and perfectly straight, parallel.

She then moved over to her other arm, repeating the process. Relaxing, so orderly, and perfect. The gem's eyes watered a little. Pearl would do this whenever she was stressed out over Steven or was just sad about Rose. When it started, it was a rare occasion, now, she did it on a daily basis. In the extremes sometimes twice a day. It was her drug, her relief, her saviour, her tormentor. It was everything, wrong with her world, yet everything right. To let it all out, all her pain and misery, it was like a miracle, out of nowhere!

It was always, and would forever be, better than to accidentally taking it out on others, especially Steven. She promised rose that she would take care of him, she would give her life for him. He was the small fraction of her world that was happy, joyful, he was the light, in her world. She shuttered thinking about what he would do if knew of her addiction, her wrongness, her dark passenger, ever present, it was always sucking the life out of her. It would eat all the goodness in her world if she let it. If Pearl gave up, even for just one second. It would descend like the coming storm, but she'd never let it even if killed her. Pearl would kill herself before that ever happened.

She was just a pearl anyways, why would they care if she did this? Pearl, silently lied to herself, it hurt, the darkness, oh how it hurt. It was the silent hand behind her, the ever-present, invisible hand, guiding her, forcing the gem to smile and put a show on for all her friends to see. Pearl smiled as she looked at the neat and orderly cuts she made, relaxing, the addiction whispered in her ear, the darkness forced her hand. She was merely a puppet to it, so wrapped, so strangled in strings, it would be a wonder if she ever served them all loose.

What a satisfying sight. Pearl teared as it whispered you deserved every last one of them, and she truly believed it. She let out a cheerful laugh, forced by her sadness, to pretend she was happy. The pale gem hoped and prayed in vain that if she pretends for long enough, it would be so. The cruel and distasteful world would never be as kind to show her mercy, after all, she was just a pearl, useless on her own.

The self-doubt she felt, was like wolves, snapping and tearing at her heels, and she would never escape, they would consume her before she was ever freed. Worse yet, Pearl feeds herself to them, knowing what they would do to her. Pearl closed her eyes reliving the lovely work she'd done. The work that she did religiously, it was sacred to her. Pearl sighed, soon all her effort would be erased, like the waves erasing footprints left in the sand by their owner. Now all she needed to do was use Rose's tears to heal them.

The gem summoned an ornate jar with delicate rose patterns painted on the porcelain. It carried the magical liquid. Pearl took the large cork out and held it above her left arm, wishing to heal it first. She slowly tilted it, closing her eyes she waited for the tears to work, their wonders. After holding the jar there for a few moments before realising her sacred ritual had been disturbed, by none other than her incompetence.

Tears welled up in her eyes, they twitched slightly with emotion, her unstable mind panicking. Pearl then looked to see that it was empty. She would have to go out with her cuts and refill it. She was close to panicking, no she was panicking. The puppet master, making her decisions, was panic as well. The warp pad was just outside her door. Pearl wouldn't run into anyone if she did it wasn't likely. She laughed at the idea as if they'd care anyway, she tough forlornly, the wolves, how they snapped and tore at her very soul.

The gem elegantly hopped down from her tower to tower until she reached solid ground and opened her door. It was the worst possible scenario she could imagine. Her eye twitched all the gems were sitting on the couch playing a board game with Steven. Pearl smiled at them, it looked like an insane person's smile. Sadly that wasn't her intention, she was failing miserably at acting normal.

Now everyone was looking at her, it freaked them out a little. She walked over to the warp pad, protectively holding the rose patterned jar as if it was her very life.

"Where are you off to?" Garnet said, noticing the edge of the cuts on her arms. She had a sharper eye than most, plus the other two were busy focusing on the game. Garnet was furious, but she used her vision to tell that is was crucial she acted as if she saw nothing. However, Pearl wasn't sure if she knew or not. She must be careful, so the gem was just going to play it safe. Pearl carefully and calculated on how to show her the jar without showing her cuts. She must not let them know, it was crucial that they did not know.

"I dropped it and spilt most of the tears," Pearl stated, sounding like a robot, the lie came off awkwardly her tongue. Garnet's brows furrowed more behind her shades. Lucky, Pearl couldn't see this, and was still praying to all the human gods she could remember that she didn't notice. Why had she been so incompetent, and forgot to fill the jar after she used it all? Guess she couldn't really focus very much anymore, he judgment was very cloudy, and important decisions, like asking for help, were lost to her.

"Okay," Garnet replied to the lie, letting Pearl believe she wasn't caught. Garnet didn't want to confront her in front of Steven, there was no way that would turn out well. That's beside the point that it was just a bad idea. Garnet would just have a talk with her later. "Be back soon I want you to play this board game with us."

"I will," She said right before she warped to Rose's fountain. Pearl sat the jar gently down and began wildly flinging her spear around, in anger. She let out an angered and frustrated scream, as she collapsed on her knees, and began to cry. The moment of weakness, the world was all darkness, she gave in. Pearl knew that all it would take is a moment of weariness, weakness, or if she just gave up, the tiny advantage she had against the darkness of the world she sadly called home. Pearl had failed everything, she let the tears fall freely now, not wishing for them to stop. She felt like a prisoner to the vicious cycle she went through day in and day out.

She screamed, through her tormented cries, thoughts of finally giving up flashed through her mind. The end, the resolution, the great demise, the conclusion, the end, it was so final. Pearl stood up tears finally drying walked over to the fountain jar in hand, she dipped it in gracefully. She held it there till it was full and put the cork in the craftsmanship.

"Oh, what would you think of me now..." Pearl sighed, she was a mess. She hated everything, And on top of that list was herself. She wasn't a good caretaker for Steven, Pearl barely helped on missions, so they would be just fine without her, if not better off. "Why am I just so, useless, Rose? You were the only person who actually made me feel like a person," she lamented to the statue. That's when she remembered she was just a pearl, and that's all she would ever be. Nothing more, nothing less, however, she certainly felt less than a pearl.

Pearl put her arms into the water, her cuts instantly disappeared. Her heart ached, it felt as if it had been ripped out. There was a pit in the bottom of her stomach. Her tongue felt too large for her mouth. She felt like life had already ended, it might as well have. After she remembered Garnet would be wanting her back, she took the jar and headed back to the warp pad, leisurely.

Should she stay, she really couldn't decide, she didn't care about the consequences anymore. Though it was for the best if she left. She didn't want Garnet to be mad. Pearl was halfway to the gate, and just stopped and turned around. When had been the last time she just admired the scenery of the fountain?

It was beautiful, to say the least. The rose bushes, the light coloured stones; the statues. It was all just lovely, smile though she briefly felt a small flicker of joy. It was to be savoured, it was a rare treat. Sadly she had to go back to the temple, to Garnet. Pearl didn't want to keep Garnet waiting, her anger is like Ruby's though she stays calm for the most part.

She walked over to the warp pad and left, she felt like the vicious cycle that was her life would never end. When she got back she went into her room and sat the jar on the edge of the water. Pearl would put it where it belongs later. She really didn't want to be around the others right now, she wanted to repeat her dreadful process. Maybe she might even end it. Sadly the pearl would get in trouble if she just stayed in her room.

Pearl walked out and sat with the others ready to have loads of fun. They were even playing her favourite game, Monopoly, Pearl was distance while playing, thinking, about how to end it all. It was just so finale, the gem was terrified of it, and yet pushed to do it. Pearl played for over an hour, though it felt like it dragged on for an eternity. It was noon when they finally finished the eternal game. Steven went out with Connie to do whatever it is they do, and Amethyst and Garnet went into their rooms.

Pearl sat in Steven's room for a while, it's not like she had anything important to do anyway. She made her way into her room, it was beautiful, though it didn't make her feel any better. She hopped up and landed on multiple towers, before reaching the highest one. Pearl put the ornate jar up, and just stood in the centre of the tower. Hot tears flowing down her face, staining it.

That's when she heard it, it was the final nail in the unstable coffin that was Pearl, and it was born from Garnets breath, "Pearl, we need to talk."

Pearl's heart dropped she felt like a prisoner heading to the lethal injection room. Garnet knew. Pearl felt as if she was stabbed or a mountain was thrown on top of her. The gem let out a sorrowful cry. She felt a rush of adrenaline and butterflies threatend to rip her open. Pearl though her life could not possibly get any worse.


	2. Chapter 2

Take an imagine the worst pain you can imagine, every paper cut you've ever had, every injury, and have it happen all at once. It would be agonising, but that's how Pear felt. Not that she was physically hurt, but mentally, she felt terrible. Pearl's head was throbbing, and she could feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She finally got enough courage to speak.

"What do we need to talk about Garnet?" She said with a wavering voice, giving her a fake smile. Her palms were sweaty and her body was weak, in nervousness. She felt hot tears stream down her delicate face. She realised she needed help. It was a scary thought, but she knew she could never get help, she really shouldn't even bother with living anymore. What did she have to live for? Rose, Pearl, though, but she knew, Steven was Steven, not Rose. He never could be. She didn't want him to be Rose.

"You know what we need to talk about, Pearl," The fusion stated, bringing Pearl from her thoughts. Pearl knew what she had to do, she knew the reason of her sad existence. That is, there wasn't one. She was on her knees, tears falling and joining the great water tower. Pearl needed to end it all, there was no point to exist.

Pearl hastily summoned her spear and had it aimed straight for her gem, her eyes closed ready for the release. Her eyes slowly opened to see Garnet holding the spear mere inches from her gem. She could see tears coming out from under her shades. Pearl suddenly felt ashamed of herself, she knew that Garnet was upset. "Garnet-" she said only to choke on her words. Her demons were ripping apart her soul, and taking control of her. Why would she ever try to kill herself? She let out a laugh, holding a hand up to her face, tears streaming down it.

"Pearl, don't you ever do that again!" Garnet sobbed, visibly shaking. She then ripped the elegant spear out of her hands and snapped it in half. Pearl was still laughing and crying. Pearl had no words, she didn't know what to say, she was both glad and upset that she was saved. Though mostly glad, death is as light as a feather and duty as heavy as a mountain.

"I, I'm..." Pearl attempted to get the words out, having finally stopped laughing. She was trying to say sorry, but Garnet already knew what she was going to say.

"It's- it's fine Pearl," Garnet wasn't really sure what to say either. There were so many possibilities, so many things that could go wrong, she just needed to be there for her. To be honest she was afraid for the first time in a very long time she was lost. "Just please, never do that again."

"I," Pearl sighed, she couldn't promise anything. That hurt, she was unreliable, Pearls are supposed to be reliable, she, she was defective! She laughed a bit through her tears, "I really am defective."

"Don't you say that Pearl!" Garnet said she was now sitting next to the gem, maybe she should ask Greg for help, he knew a lot about emotions, better than she did. Garnet couldn't shake the feeling that this was all on her, she felt her to halves fighting, her inner turmoil was threatening to rip her apart. Ruby wanted to smack some sense into Pearl and raise some hell, while Sapphire just wanted to leave and take a moment alone to think about how to handle, the situation.

"Don't try to say otherwise, Garnet," Pearl said mournfully, before continuing, "You should have let me die."

Garnet just sat there think, she didn't know how to fix this, that is if she could. She felt like Pearl was a lost cause. She knew you have to be willing for help before you can be helped. Tough that was the funny thing, Pearl didn't want help, so there was no way she could help. The fusion was shaken at that realisation. The realisation that Pearl didn't want help, she didn't care, she though she had nothing to live for. Maybe if she showed Pearl that she had something to live for she would want help. Though, she wasn't sure what that 'thing' would be. What if there wasn't one? What would she do then?

"You think of trying to fix, this aren't you? Trying to fix me... I don't think there is a way to help me. I have no reason to stay her, some humans believe in a heaven. I wonder is Rose would be there? Oh, I'm just rambling at this point," Pearl said, she was hurt, torn to wanting help, but know that there was none. It felt like wolves eating her. "I wish there was a way to do this without hurting anyone, especially Steven."

Garnet had it! The idea of giving Pearl something to live for and that was Steven. Garnet always knew Pearl felt obligated to take care of him because he had Rose's gem. "What about Steven, he would be devastated to know that you died."

"Yes, I suppose he would, wouldn't he," Pearl sighed, she hadn't thought of that. A new wave of guilt washed over her. What would Steven think of her to know that she... She was terrified at the thought of it. How would he take it? No doubt he would blame himself. "You won't tell him about this will you, I wouldn't want him to think less of me because of this."

"No I would never, that would only end badly," Garnet stated, bringing her hand to her chin thinking she would have to tell Amethyst, so she can keep an eye on Pearl so nothing bad happens. She sighed, she

was going to tell Pearl that too, so she wouldn't try anything. "Pearl, I will have to tell Amethyst, there's no way she can't know. I'm sorry."

"No, no, I assumed as much, probably so you can keep an extra eye on me. I don't think I'll be getting much alone time for a long while," Pearl laughed a bit, nervous laughter. Even she could feel the awkwardness, what could she even say in this situation? What could make this any better? Pearl didn't think anything could make this better. "I'm sorry, I guess I should come clean with everything now too?"

"What do you mean everything?" Garnet asked looking the gem in the eye. Pearl sighed, it was probably for the best, and if she came clean, Garnet would trust her more, and she could continue her, 'relaxing' and 'healthy' hobby. Oh how she longed to see those perfect cuts, evenly spaced, a chill went down her spine at the thought. As soon as she was alone, as soon as she was alone!

"I've been cutting for a while, well ever since, R- Steven was born," Pearl sighed, she was never comfortable enough to say the word Rose and Died in the same sentence. It just wasn't right. Some part of her held onto Rose, with the burning fires of love, while the other look sorrowfully, trying to move on. She never could seem to agree. "It helped me to feel the pain, the pain gave me something, something to give me a grasp of the situation. It made me feel better. It's funny, the pain made me feel better about everything. It put my emotions into something I could understand. It made sense. It made everything make sense."

"I wish I noticed sooner, if you hadn't forgotten to fill your jar I would have never noticed your pain, until," She shuttered at the thought of coming to check on Pearl because she didn't come out in a while, only to find her gem, in half laying there. It scared her, she was glad Pearl made a mistake, because, then she had the chance to help, to save her friend. Garnet left a short pause before continuing, "Until it was too late. Pearl promise me, that you will live no matter what. No matter how hard things get, we will always be here. All you have to do is ask, and we will help you."

"I'm not sure you can help me. That's what scares me, I don't know that there is the help," Pearl said, there always was an invisible hand, always strangling her always, trying to be one step ahead. It always was one step ahead. You couldn't outrun it, you couldn't protect yourself from it, it was always with you, overring over your shoulder just out of sight. It was an oppressive force. Pearl then lied, "I want help, I truly do."

"Pearl! I found one of your sword thingies!" They heard Amethyst shout, though they didn't know where she was, that is Garnet didn't look. Pearl then looked at Garnet, the fusion knew what she was asking, and nodded.

"No better time to tell her than now. If you don't she'll never know." Garnet said she was running through the different possibilities, weigh different ways to tell Amethyst. Trying to figure out the best one. They were all equal. Equally terrible that is.

As if on cue Amethyst jumped up to the top of the tower, with Pearl's sword.

It has also come to my attention that this Chapter was not double-spaced, and therefore it was a jumbled mess. Sorry, about that.


End file.
